What's up with weirdos in Ohio?

**Larson E. Whipsnade** · February 14th, 2002, 10:05 PM

Last weekend I flew into Cleveland and rented a car to go to my buddy's wedding. He lives in a small town call Kirtland. I drove up on a Friday night on a country road but then I had to take a leak. Since I didn't see any towns or gas stations, I pulled over to use the ditch. So I'm standing there, nobody around but woods and fields, and some goober starts yelling from the woods! Scared the holy hell out of me!

I tried to see in the dark -- I thought maybe it was a farmer and he was mad for pissing in his ditch so I waited for a second. Nothing but the stars over my head. No cars, nothing. So I finish up and go to get back in piece of junk Ford Taurus and I hear it again, only this time its moving. I could hear somebody or something rustling through the trees.

And then I saw somebody. But here is the weird part: It was an old guy in a hunting jacket. Then another old guy. But they were not NORMAL old guys. They both had heads the size of overinflated basketballs. They were bald and bug-eyed and I thought wtf is this, Halloween? But I was out in the middle of nowhere. What kind of goofball sits out in the woods at night with a halloween mask on?

So I jump in the car, put it in gear and look out out the window. And the old guys start down into the ditch and come at the car. I couldn't believe it! I peeled out and the biggest one threw a damn rock that put a dent in the side of the car!

I told the guys at Hertz that I didn't make the dent, that some country goober with a giant head who lives in the woods did it. I thought that they would laugh but they didn't and now they're billing my card for the dent.

So I ask again, what kind of nutballs live in Ohio? I asked my friend and he said they were "melonheads." WTF??

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**Mr. October** · February 14th, 2002, 10:57 PM

a.k.a. The Kirtland Melonheads. You may not be aware of this but the Mormons first stop on their westward trek back in the 1800's was Kirtland, Ohio. There is a small enclave of semi-Mormonic folks who still wander the woods of Kirtland. Polygamy is frowned on outside of Utah so it's become diffcult for them to find women willing to subject themselves to this lifestyle. Hence their procreative activities have been confined to those closest to them for several decades now. Larger than average heads are a physical characteristic of the offspring of these couplings. My advice would be to pay the damage and count your blessings. Do otherwise and you'll likely end up being visited at home by bicycle riding, prostheletizing young men in white shirts and ties.

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**i'm castor troy** · February 15th, 2002, 01:09 AM

Mr. Whipsnade,

You are lucky sir, truly lucky.

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Buttafucco is Inuendo

[This message has been edited by i'm castor troy (edited February 14, 2002).]